Joke Page

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” 

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors made the following contribution to the debate:
“If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine.  For some strange reason, you’d accept this too.
5. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bout a “Car 95″ or a “Car NT”. But then you’d have to buy more seats.
7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
8. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
9. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.
10. People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
11. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft petrol and lubricants but the packaging would be superb.
12. New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.
13. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
14. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
15. They wouldn’t build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 1 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
16. There would be an “Engium Pro” with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
17. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes.Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
18. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don’t own anyroads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free,including IBM.
19. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11),then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive muchfaster, and on more roads!
20. If you couldn’t afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrowyour friends, and then copy it.
21. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignitionfor a few days before it worked.
22. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.
23. Every time Microsoft introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
24. Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Automobile Association Road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more.
25. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Courtesy: http://homepage.eircom.net/~nobyrne/ms-cars.htm

Hope this won’t give you nightmares or disturb you in any other way, I personally found it funny =)

Have a look at these logos:

I will post more later

Tony Drago on Sky Sports… This is why being maltese is sometimes cool, people can’t always understand what you are saying when you’re outside your beloved country…

Watch following video, warning: contains naqa dagha…

“That’s what he told him.. Go.. Go… what am I holding you back for…” Perfect interpreatation…

Enjoy the video!

Its all explained in this video:

Taken from Passion Paris (the guys who made Mika’s Lollipop music video)

When you tought you’ve seen them all!!

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.’

The old man said, ‘Okay’, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine again told the man, ‘Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer presid
ent and no longer resides here.’

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, this is the third day in row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?’

The old man looked at the Marine and said, ‘Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.’

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, ‘See you tomorrow, Sir.’

Top Joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Top Joke in Australia:

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”  

Top Joke in Germany:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.” 

Top Joke from Scotland 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Other Jokes taking part in competition:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

___

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

___

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?  A Baboom !

___

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. 

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you!”

___

Which day of the week do fish hate??? Fry-Day